1) Masks. Funny how times change. There was a time when those who donned a mask might be on the way to rob a bank.

2) Used to have to change a car’s oil every 5000 miles. Staying at home and social distancing have reduced our “out-and-about” considerably.

3) Once there was a social norm of smiling at people, a way to acknowledge their presence or to otherwise communicate something. I have started practicing ‘smiling with your eyes’, a concept oft promoted by Tyra Banks (okay, I admit, I watched America’s Next Top Model).

Find the funny circumstances in things as above. 

For those who don’t know me, I am retired. Even so I have had to find new and interesting ways to use my new found time at home. Past activities included lunch or coffee with friends, an occasional movie or play, trips to the library and entertaining my great granddaughter. Fortunately, I am still able to go to my volunteer job once or twice a week. I appreciate that time out. Yes, we wear masks and keep our distance. But we are still able to share news and funny stories we have heard.

Some of my other ‘hobbies’ have resurfaced. I assembled years of recipes on different scraps of paper and purloined magazine pages and transferred them to computer files. The most favored ones got printed out and put into a recipe notebook. YEA.

I dug out the easel and paints and periodically attack a canvas.

I was always a ‘reader’ but now do more reading than previously.

Though I have made attempts at gardening, the summer temperatures prevent much success.

I’ve started doing jigsaw puzzles again. Now the puzzle can occupy the table for long periods of time if need be, I have no dinner guests.

I write. Sometimes just diary type entries, sometimes blogs, sometimes children’s books. I have self-published two children’s books but fear the third, already in editing phases, won’t make it to print. Self-publishing is time consuming (not a problem) and very expensive (aha – the problem). Companies you might choose to work with remind me of snake-oil salesmen. The first book I did publish with a well-established self-publish entity. Oh, the tales I could tell. For the second book I worked solely with a company that formats content to meet printer guidelines and saved myself a lot. Not enough to pay myself but still, much better than the first. The company I worked with also designs web pages for professionals.

So, that’s the story of my current situation. I’m sure it’s not unique.

Okay readers – I’m asking for help. Of course, if you plan to help you will have to respond to this column. PLEASE be assured that your name, handle, email address, shoe size and any other information will never, NOT EVER, be disclosed. Yea, I know, I seldom believe that either but it’s true with this blog.

Twitter. What in the bloody %&^% is the deal. When I was publishing my first children’s book the publishing company suggested I establish a twitter account. So, I ‘hired’ a trusted relative (e.g. bribed with homemade cookies and specialty coffee drinks) to establish the account. Then, all I had to do was be a twit and make comments and/or read others’ musings. We limited the account ‘follows’ to libraries and writers groups in order to control the mass of idiocy that might otherwise come aboard.

I have tweeted a few times, less that five at my last count. After tweeting – usually the next day – I sign on to see reactions, answers to questions I posed and/or suggestions. Don’t know how many hundreds or thousands wound up in my account. Can’t tell if any of them relate to my tweet. Really don’t know if any of them responded with information related to my ‘tweet’. So I make a decision about the tweets (read that as “ I AIN’T GONNA PAGE THROUGH UNENDING TWEETS OF 116 CHARACTERS OR SO TO FIND OUT”).

Some might have the tweeters account info but none – NONE – that I found had a date or time on them. Should I scroll up? Or down? Am I looking at the new ones? Or the old ones? In the long run it becomes a hunt with no promise of treasure. So, I might tweet once in a while but I will do so with no expectations. I won’t spend 17 ½ hours reading tweets to see if any are relevant. I won’t page up or page down wondering which direction is most recent.

Got any ideas? Respond to this blog. And if you know of any legitimate, well-established, reputable publishers or writer’s agents out there reading this, They can contact me through Archway Publishing, Inc.

Now what? After working for nearly a full year to get a book published, I am wondering – now what? I have another book drafted. Like Santa’s Special Delivery, this one was started many years ago. But, currently my ‘writer’s block’ is more like a granite cliff rather than a cinder block.

Meanwhile, I am trying to convince myself that time spent reading is not time wasted. After years of working full time, raising a trio of good citizens and engaging in volunteer activities, it feels strange to simply sit down and read a book. The little voice in my head is saying – “Shouldn’t you be DOING something? “

So, I’ll obey the voice and commit to doing something. Turns out that activity will be writing about the lack of common sense so often visible in current times and how it might end.

1)  A driver turns on the turn signal after beginning the turn. (A car in front of you begins to slow down. The slow down continues and then, after the car begins its turn, the turn signal is activated.)

2)  A driver uses the turn signal to indicate he/she feels entitled to pull in front of you in traffic by virtue of the signal. (Honoring the ‘safe distance’ from the car in front of you leads to a driver deciding that ‘safe distance’ is his/her right to occupy.)

3)  Two companions visiting as they wait for the elevator doors to open. When the elevator arrives, they remain like human obstacles to the passengers attempting to get out of the elevator. (Frustration takes over, guess it will be prudent to use the escalator this time.)

4)  When getting off the escalator an individual sees a friend about to get on the adjacent escalator. They stop to catch up with gossip and news thereby blocking the access to escalator. (Hmm, can’t go up and can’t go down.)

5)  Cashier at the supermarket decides that providing conversation to the customer is good PR. The conversation increases and the cashier slows down in scanning items. The conversation continues while the bagging takes place as next customer’s ice cream continues to melt.

6)  A supermarket customer’s purchases have all been scanned and bagged and is told of the total by the cashier. At this point said customer opens her purse and begins the search for her ‘loyalty card’. Not interested in providing a phone number to speed up the process, she continues the search while the line grows longer and the ice cream continues to melt.

7)  A supermarket customer’s purchases have all been scanned and bagged and is told of the total by the cashier. At this point said customer opens her purse and begins the search for her check book. After locating the checkbook, she continues searching for a pen ignoring the pen proffered by the cashier. She then asks for the total again, for the date, whether the store has a stamp for payee or whether she should write it in.

5), 6), and 7) all occur with the same customer. At this point the customer behind her has departed leaving a basket full of items to be re-shelved including some very soft ice cream. In today’s world that shopper, unable to complete his/her lunch hour errand hurries to the parking lot, exits the area and in returning to work encounters drivers 1) and 2) mentioned above. He/she runs back into the office to avoid being late and encounters visitors described in 3) above. Rejecting the elevator, he/she sprints to the escalator only to be faced with 4).

Just another day. If the resulting trip home by this victim of common senselessness encounters or is fueled by road rage, the cycle will have been completed.

My blogs have been a bit hit and miss this year. I blame that in part on the fact that days go so much faster than they did years ago. But last month I had a better reason. I was often nauseated.  Nothing permanent (I hope) – I expect to be well for at least four years. Might be slightly nauseous about this time in two years. Actually, it comes almost every time there is an election of any kind.

For the first time in my adult life I got bogged (not blogged) down in the campaigns. What a disgusting thing to do. First, I have never been a dedicated political junkie. I always looked into a candidate’s background and platform before voting. In doing so I was attempting to be well-prepared and making what I believed to be intelligent choices. A good model for decision making might be a high school debate – you may have some preconceived notion about the “better” choice from the two sides presented but in order to be sure, you need to hear both.

Then came decision 2016. Long story short – I got hooked – not by one particular candidate or another because I’ve always believed that to make an intelligent choice one had to be open-minded and listen to both sides, not just one publication or television channel, not always to the same writer or pundit. It’s quite apparent that they have at least a leaning if not an outright bias. So, I sat with my printed publications and my TV remote and read and listened to both sides.  Thanks to the age of technology with my remote I can switch between channels effortlessly using the “prev” function.

I was tempted to scream questions out when interviewers missed an obvious follow-up or opening. I wanted to be an instant fact-checker with a way to flash my proof in the face of the interviewee. I wanted to ask about the methods of polling employed, what information was generating the endless screens of percentages. How reliable was the information being used? Why waste so much time re-living the same BREAKING NEWS day after day. I wanted to make a check list of the words and phrases used. The words which indicate that what follows is not necessarily fact, just opinion and rumor: I think, could be, might be, possibly, maybe, what he/she is saying is, what he/she meant was, perhaps, people say, people believe, and on and on and on. These are a few examples of what broadcasters use to protect themselves. Modern CYA.

The good news is – this blog is being put up on election day. Having already cast my ballot I now plan to: 1) go out for coffee, 2) attend a movie with a friend, 3) enjoy a meal without fear of campaign induced nausea, 4) perhaps even read a periodical and enjoy television again.  I refuse to sit today and tonight with a remote in my hand watching the myriads of talking heads opine as they rattle off the ‘updates’ on voting results.

I’ll be back in better health and a better frame of mind next month. Meanwhile, HAPPY THANKSGIVING.